Keep it like a secret

I read an article in yesterday's New York Times about how Americans are increasingly socially isolated and have fewer people who they can talk to about the most important things in their lives. More than the "Bowling Alone" phenomenon - or the weakening of community ties - written about by Robert D. Putnam, this new research asked people who they could talk to about things like serious health issues or who should take care of their children if they die. The study, conducted by sociologists at Duke and here at University of Arizona, found that on average adults had two close confidantes.

Reading this made me feel exceptionally blessed with a strong social circle, even if that circle is scattered all over the country. I have four or five people who I literally talk to about anything, and even my social group beyond that consists mainly of friends who I am extremely close to and could turn to in times of trouble.

I've been wanting to post for a long time about PostSecret, a "community art project" where people write and illustrate in some way a secret on a postcard. What strikes me is that this is the very phenomenon the researchers were investigating. People send their deepest darkest secrets here. Often these secrets are secrets of despair - suicidality, sexual or physical abuse, or paralyzing fear. Sometimes they're the opposite - a desire to live life more fully, or deep love for someone estranged. Usually when I read PostSecret, what strikes me is that most of the secrets there don't need to be secrets. These are things that many people go through, that many people think, that many people survive. They are things that no one wants to talk about, but it is the act of talking about them that will free you.

I'll admit that I'm not perfect in this regard. I have plenty of things I'm afraid to talk about sometimes, and things that I don't express as often as I would like. But I feel like as time passes, I aspire to keep fewer secrets. I want the people I love to know how much I love them. I want them to be able to share their deepest, darkest secrets with me. And I want to be able to do the same with them. A secret only has as much power as you give it. Once it's out in the open, I've found it isn't nearly as dark and scary as you thought it would be.